i've had writers block lately. started a few blogs but then deleted them because they just weren't flowing. i'm still tossing around those ideas, but they will have to wait for now. the majority of topics i've been struggling with for this blog are the same ones i struggle with on a daily basis in my personal life. who the heck am i and why am i here? i thought i had myself all figured out, but then i got married. it's brought out a whole new aspect of who i am and parts of me that i didn't even know were inside of me. maybe this is what the whole iron sharpens iron thing is about. because honestly, i feel that hopefully it's making me a better person than i would've been otherwise since all those issues are coming up, showing me how i can grow.
so the question is, do we ever really know ourselves completely? i thought i had gotten to that point, but marriage has brought new fear, new insecurities, and new possibilities. death scares me when it never really did before, because i have more of a vested interest in someone's life other than my own. i don't want to leave him, and i don't want him to leave me. i went the funeral of a dear lady today. several generations spoke or sang on her behalf. this new strand of time that i am traveling is scary sometimes. will i have children? who will they be? better yet: how bad will i mess them up!?! i think the paradigm shift that i have experienced is the most overwhelming of all. this is the last place i thought i would ever be. my plan was to adopt as a single mother, and now i am afraid that i won't be able to have his babies........ my brain is constantly full of these thoughts. sometimes i thank God for The Big Bang Theory. it's the sort of mind numbing, fun TV that gets my thoughts down to a minimum.
This is Crystal:
ReplyDeleteHave you ever read the book "The Scarlet Thread" by Francine Rivers? I love her books & this post reminds me of the theme in that book. Everything we do here is important & at the same time, our life is but a breath. I often think "how sad" I am not going to live forever & some day, no one on Earth is even going to know who I was! Even if my kids' kids' kids' kids are still alive, they probably won't know anything more than my name. Marriage is sort of mind blowing. I find it is extremely painful because it bends you without breaking you & sometimes it feels like you are breaking anyway. It's a continual process of becoming "one" & accepting some one else's issues, hang ups, quirks, experiences, shame, pain, etc into your own being & accepting it, coming to love it, & then feeling safe in it. Having children further melds you as people & also threatens to divide you (that bending). The love of your own child is not even expressible through intelligent thought processing. There are no words. & They talk, walk & have their own minds & they walk away from you, talk back to you, & your heart never stops aching. It is weird. When my kids are all in different directions, I literally feel my heart is all over the place, aching with love. Sometimes I think it's all my ego & selfishness...this love...motivated by my own need to be loved & accepted. Whatever my motive is, I am rewarded & blessed, and also hearbreakingly under the fire of a kiln that God seems to blast on & off, various times & various temperatures. All I can hope for is to be a willing vessel in His hands & trust He is creating something that might be useful in this life!
Wow, I guess you inspire me! Love you, Sister!
I love you, too!! and didn't even know i had any comments on this blog until shelly told me she left one, and now i know to look for them!! Thanks for reading. No, i haven't read that book, but it sounds good, and i may check it out. can't wait to see you sunday!
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