Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about now, but believe me you will when it's over

Death has been playing darts again. Zipping past, those darts often hit their target. It's hard to watch, really, as people fall, more people hurt, and the cycle continues. I feel the air as a darts flies by, and I try to dodge them, but one day, it's going to hit. It makes me wonder, of course about me and my life. What do I do that makes me any different from the mattress I'm sitting on? Will I leave behind more than excited facebook status updates on useless reality tv shows?




This is something that we all wrestle with, I know, and every now and then it wells up inside me screaming: "What am I doing to leave a legacy?!?!?!" I wrestle with it until my hip has popped out of socket, but unlike the biblical reference, I don't feel I have a blessing when our match is over.



The greatest thing I have to show for my life is my husband. I feel that he is my best decision and my marriage is my greatest accomplishment. Unfortunately, he is not something I am excited about leaving behind for someone else. haha. He just makes me fear death even more. I remember, once, when I wasn't scared. I was excited to go, and now.... it unsettles me because I am so in love with the people in my life. I watch my niece and nephew run around. They laugh, sing, cry, get bitten by flamingos, and my mom and grandfather are not tangibly here to see them. It makes me sick. I don't want to miss anything because those kids really are that awesome, and how many people in this world can say that they have been bitten by a flamingo. I'm going to bet it's close to those that are struck by lightning or eaten by a piranhas.

I used to weep for the day that I could leave this earth. I craved it; I was so ready. Now, I have to say I am enjoying my stay. I just hope that my visit here is as enjoyable for everyone else. I hope I make a difference some where, some how, some way... and I hope I leave something beautiful behind  (other than my beautiful husband that is... hands off, ladies ;p) so people think "Wow. She did much more than take up space and watch Rocky movies."
 
 "Going in one more round when you don't think you can - that's what makes all the difference in your life."

You gotta stop talking about it. It's like "the Sopranos." It's over. Find a new show.

I'm sitting on my porch, and i think i just heard gunshots. I'm beginning to think they're fireworks because if it were gunshots, whoever they were gunning down would be dead already.

it's one thirty in the morning, so i am guessing some teenagers are enjoying their summer. after all, it's sunday and any normal killers would be sleeping at this hour.

i'm sitting here enjoying what i thought would be quiet, but now theres a train to add to the distant banging and booming, and i have not much to discuss. i'm still locked in my head a lot, and i'm having trouble getting it down through my fingers... all the things i'm thinking and feeling.

lando, the token black cat has gone to live with my in laws. he didn't like any litter box we offered; he enjoyed going around it and right in front of the shower instead. i'm happy to report he is enjoying his new home and new litter box.

i guess i'm saved from being the crazy cat lady with a crazy cat husband. that is, at least, some peace of mind.

You've become part of a bigger universe. You just don't know it yet.

i've had writers block lately. started a few blogs but then deleted them because they just weren't flowing. i'm still tossing around those ideas, but they will have to wait for now. the majority of topics i've been struggling with for this blog are the same ones i struggle with on a daily basis in my personal life. who the heck am i and why am i here? i thought i had myself all figured out, but then i got married. it's brought out a whole new aspect of who i am and parts of me that i didn't even know were inside of me. maybe this is what the whole iron sharpens iron thing is about. because honestly, i feel that hopefully it's making me a better person than i would've been otherwise since all those issues are coming up, showing me how i can grow.

so the question is, do we ever really know ourselves completely? i thought i had gotten to that point, but marriage has brought new fear, new insecurities, and new  possibilities. death scares me when it never really did before, because i have more of a vested interest in someone's life other than my own. i don't want to leave him, and i don't want him to leave me. i went the funeral of a dear lady today. several generations spoke or sang on her behalf. this new strand of time that i am traveling is scary sometimes. will i have children? who will they be? better yet: how bad will i mess them up!?! i think the paradigm shift that i have experienced is the most overwhelming of all. this is the last place i thought i would ever be. my plan was to adopt as a single mother, and now i am afraid that i won't be able to have his babies........ my brain is constantly full of these thoughts. sometimes i thank God for The Big Bang Theory. it's the sort of mind numbing, fun TV that gets my thoughts down to a minimum.

I don't know, but if cats could sing, they'd hate it, too..

The first thought I had this morning was: Everyone needs a cat. You may or may not agree with this statement. You may or may not be a dog person. I will tell you, though, there is nothing like having a pet that will jump up and give you some snuggles while shedding all over you, yet leave you alone most of the time. Especially when your dog only causes you injury. Mine has almost cracked my knee cap......or something. I only know that as I was trying to wrestle him down in the shower to rinse his mouth and face free FROM THE PAINT THAT HE HAD LAPPED LIKE IT WAS WATER, my knee slammed down on the hard floor...... and I couldn't put weight on it for almost a month. Today, I was outside taking him out for a potty stroll, talking to my dear Jenny (Shout out) on the phone, and Baxter took off at top speed, full run, and yanked the leash out of my hand. I can't even make a fist. Which means I can't shake one at him. Maybe he can read my mind and was resentful of the cat worship I was guilty of this morning..... I don't know.

Another point for the felines: if Baxter would just poop in a box like the rest of the animals in this house, I wouldn't have to take him outside. Cats are pets for the lazy...

If he wouldn't chew my house, he wouldn't have to stay in a kennel. If he wouldn't crush me, he could snuggle with me on the couch.... did I mention that he's six months old and the size of a small truck?   

Even as I sniffle my nose and try to wipe the cat fur off of it and hear a rustle of pop tart wrapper behind me (Lando, my black cat is playing with it), I think no wonder if you are going crazy, a cat is the best pet. I'm two cats away from being a Crazy Cat Lady myself. After the injuries I think the cat ladies actually have it all figured out. "Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee." He may be before it's all over.

Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those who transform into the Force.

"Death
is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those who transform into the
Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to
jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is." -Yoda

I can tell Death has been here when I keep finding post-it notes around the house... on the bathroom mirror, on the front door, over my bed. The notes are just his mocking reminders that He might come closer next time, take someone else I don't want to live without, and laugh at me in my misery.

I think about what Yoda said a lot, and I realize, that yeah... attachment is jealousy and jealousy is the shadow of greed... and that I am greedy. I don't want people to die... I don't want to live without them... because I want them in my life. How greedy is that?

After reading the Purpose Driven Life, I realized that Life = Soylent Green.

It's people.

It's you guys that fill my life with laughter and catch my tears with your shoulders. I appreciate that you understand me, and that is so, so hard for me to find.

I remember the first time I heard Stand By Me... and the first time I watched the movie for that matter, and I remember crying, as young as I was, because I already felt the profound impact that people would have in my life. When my sky tumbles and my mountains crumble, my friends are there.

And when I keep finding these post-it notes, it reminds me of how much I love my friends. I wonder if I tell you that as much as I should. Or even if the words I say actually convey the meaning from my heart... because I feel that in these circumstances, words really don't get my point across.

Yet here I am again... using them.

Anyway, have a great day.

Well, she is over sixty-five, Helen, and old people can’t be trusted.

It's easy to say formulaic things while perched up there on your ivory tower. It's so easy to say 1 + 1 = 2 + 1 = 3 + 2 = 5... like maybe Fibonacci had it all figured out, and if you just say and do the right things, eventually you will get the result that you want. I used to be that way. I actually need to say that I used to be guilty of thinking that way: keep praying. keep reading your Bible. meditate on scripture. What do you do, my friends, when your alabaster box breaks, but Jesus' feet aren't where you thought they were? What do you do when the outpouring of your soul begins, but your most trusted and dearest friend isn't there catching your tears on his skin? Then you look around, and even people you trusted are holding stones? Stones of selfishness, misunderstanding, their own pain, judgment, and you can see lack of empathy  in their eyes...and the one person that is going to come to your defense just stoops down and writes "Jesus was here" in the sand... Well, I'll tell you. You do what you have to do. You get by. You relearn things. You figure it out. You find out who your real friends are. And let me just say you learn that they may be what some would call tax collectors and prostitutes, but they love you unconditionally. Heck, you may look down and realize that you are the one wearing the scarlet A.You begin to realize that there is no formula for your grief. There is no calculations that equal healing, and things don't always work out in the way you thought you had been promised. I think that we must all work out our own salvation. We all handle things in different ways, we all hurt and grieve differently. During the famine and in the wilderness we find our own survival methods, and in times of feast we all have our favorite foods. Sure, I have failed. Fallen on my face. Bruised my palms. Scraped my knees. But I am still here, tripping over the Cornerstone sometimes, slamming my head on the Rock, but never, ever using a crutch. Before you judge, check your eyes for planks. Should we hang out in the tombs when we fall.... within the white washed sepulchers with the vipers? Or should we leave what may appear to be safe, try to live, make mistakes...even if it is just to get over a mistake from the night before... It doesn't matter if you understand. It does not matter if you agree. Geeze. Just be there. Be the friend that you were commanded to be. Give your coat AND shirt. But remember, maybe they are where they are because you turned around, walked away, and left them broken, hurting and alone. Maybe the very God they served is the one they felt betrayed them....do you even know what it feels like to try to rebuild a trust like that? I guess, as I climb off my soap box I just want to say... calculate 70 x 7 and get back to me.

The World Needs All Kinds Of Heroes

I get this way sometimes, caught up in my own virtue and thinking that I do everything I can to make the world a better place. Then boys in blue hoodies point out that maybe I really don't do anything at all, and it really makes me think.... do I?

I'm sitting in London's drinking some PBR, and in walks a woman quite familiar to the local area. She often walks into random places and asks strangers for rides. She stayed there a long time... a couple of hours. I decided I was ready to leave, and like a radar zoning in on a target, she somehow magically appeared right beside me....and asked me to take her home.

Of course I said yes with a happy, smiling face....but inside I could feel Vesuvius was beginning to show signs of awakening. I felt unhappy, uncomfortable, and inconvenienced...yet there she was chattering away...

Then... somewhere between the gas station and Bob's Foodland (Which is not quite the Land of Food it claims to be) I felt some shift in the cosmos... like I passed through a wardrobe to the Narnia of God's understanding, and I was instantaneously enlightened. The speed of the shift in my heart is almost inexplicable because it was so fast and unexpected.

I became overwhelmingly thankful for my life. Amazed that I am who I am, and I was chosen to live the life that I lead. I felt like I was spiritually kneeling at this woman's feet, washing them, and drying them with my soul.

Which, anyone who knows me knows that I hate feet, and I don't want to ever, ever touch them unless I can look at them without being disgusted... which is rare. So, the fact that I actually am comparing it to washing feet... shows what an impact this made on me...

After that, the smile on my face wasn't forced and the conversation wasn't painful. So, I dropped her off, and felt warm in my heart.

And so, to all darling, loved, argumentative boys in blue hoodies I would like to say..... it's not the value you place on other people that makes your life meaningful. It's the value they place on you. Like our gold conversation: if it is not valued among a society, it's worthless. Maybe I'm not a member of the underground church, maybe I am not saving people in the Sudan, and maybe I am not saving all the animals in every animal shelter.... but

I know that I am not perfect. I don't even always do the best I can. I am selfish. Sometimes I feel life isn't worth it. Sometimes I am not really listening.... and sometimes I fail....
but this has always been my vision:

The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back.

and I may not always run a solid race to that goal, sometimes I am a sprinter... heck, sometimes I am a bench warmer... but I think the times I aspire to it count for something.

It's not about doing everything... because for me, it's been a long, hard road to balance and learning that I CAN'T do everything, but it's about doing something.

Keep in mind:
Lucy: You give up your seat every day in the train.
Peter: Well... But that's not heroic.
Lucy: It is to the person who sits in it.

"Service is the rent we pay for being. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time."

"If you don't like the way the world is, you change it. You have an obligation to change it. You just do it one step at a time."

-Marian Wright Edleman