It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one.

"It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."


I remember hearing that quote resonate in the theater, and I caught my breath and held it, and I cried. 

Many nights over the past year, I've cried for someone, heart broken, lingered over every word written, and wished there was some way I could change what happened. I want to say that I felt her pain, that I felt the terror, but you can't be empathic unless you've been there... and no one in our little neck of the woods had been there before. Still, the heart tries to understand and the mind tries to grasp what it is like to lose a sister, daughter, friend in such a horrible, violent.... needless... way. There was a thief in our midst, and he had stolen something precious. When he did, he left a void in all of us... whether we knew it at the time or not. I want the heavy stone of her and her family's  pain to continue to create beautiful, unending ripples across this world, and I want to share them the best way I can... since they were brave, I'm posting here... the place I try to be brave, open, and vunerable.

I didn't know Megan, and I didn't know Kelly...but not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of them and their family.  I have poured over pictures and stories by Kelly and her oldest daughter Carrie. Since I didn't personally know them, I wondered if I should even write anything as a tribute to what she and her family have meant to me. The night I was mulling it over, thinking, I was walking outside and looked up. A shooting star blinked so quickly that I thought I had imagined it. I know there are coincidences, but in my heart I felt a starry eyed girl and her mom were nodding at me. 

So, I'm writing to tell you, Kelly Hale that you made a huge impact on my life. I love you, and I love your family. I know *her name is Megan* because of you. I love the way you wrote and the words you chose, and this is my tribute to you. I will smile for her, I will laugh for you, and I will continue to grieve for your family. I know what it is like to lose a mom, and my heart will bleed for the children you left behind. I am so grateful for your oldest daughter. She is so brave, like you, that even in the midst of her pain and darkness, she has picked up your torch so that we can follow along in her journey through the tears and laughter. Because of her, we will still feel connected to you and Megan, and we get to meet another one of your heroic children. You guys are a family of fighters, and I pray that you find some solace... some peace. *"I think it's time to be happy again."*


 One thing Kelly posted frequently about was how she felt she was letting them down because she couldn't get past her pain. She loves them so much. Now she feels no pain and can be present with them. *All the time.*


 There really isn't anything that I can say that anyone else in this community hasn't said before me. Our hearts have all broken, and I think that a tragedy brought us, linked us together on some other plane, off in the sunset somewhere, a place we didn't know. We are family there. We know their names are Megan and Kelly, and we love them. *All the time.*





If you feel inclined, Kelly would ask you to spread some cheer today, do good in this world, and to do it for Megan. Any place where you see asterisk, that is a direct quote or a writing style of Kelly's. Learn more about her and her wonderful family at  Peace for Megan Sharpton. 


"At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey.” 
― Lemony Snicket

If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, then I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two.

So, some updates since I have last written would include what can only be called a series of unfortunate events, and a domino effect ending in depression, another dog, and an overwhelming amount of gratitude for my husband, family, and friends. Interspersed with stress and anxiety are rainbows and singing elves, though. :)

It is always a perfect love that breaks through the clouds of heartache and casts it's beams of light onto your soul. Sometimes the ground is too saturated from the storms to burst into life when those beams hit, but given time, our souls wake again. I feel like maybe mine is a little mossy at the moment. Maybe the spring is coming. In the meantime I'm so thankful my husband is trying to give me room to grow, and in the midst of the storms, has showered me with love.

There have been some rabbit trails that have lead to new adventures. I've done a couple of craft shows. I might have to add them to my list of failures, but I am learning a lot. My aunt and I have been working together on some projects and are slowly but surely setting up our etsy shop in addition to partnering with my grandmother in renting a small booth in an antique and craft mall. I'm going to try to mix a little of that with a little of this. That being crafts, vintage, and things going on in my life and this being blogging.

We have the cutest little booth! I love it. We always find or make the cutest little treasures. If you are ever in Bell Buckle, TN, drop by the Antique and Craft Mall and check it out.


Here are some of the cute little treasures we have had in our booth. We have more current photos on our flounderingsalmon Facebook page.

And then we are slowly (we're talking at a snail's pace here) building our etsy shop. There are some cute things there. And when I say some, at this moment in time, I mean two. Check them out at

http://www.etsy.com/shop/flounderingsalmon.

So, I'm considering these little victories and some wild flowers springing towards the sun. We'll see where the wind takes me. 

When I'm sad, I just quit being sad and be awesome instead

So, it's nice that things are turning around... I am still trying to find a job that I think will be a good fit for me, and in the mean time I've done some soul searching and healing. I've TRIED to be productive, and have started a new blog about things that I KNOW, not just the ramblings of a wild woman that you see here ;) I've also tried to be productive in the creativity department, but as all of us bipolar types know, that side of us ebbs and flows. I've actually gotten a little braver, and I think with time and positive energy, maybe I can do something with that crafty side of myself. I've actually posted something on etsy! OK, so it was only one thing, but hey! It's a start. :D

We got a new puppy, Darcy, shortly after I miscarried, and she is pretty much the most precious thing ever. She has the same issues potty training that we had with Dharma, but I think that it's just my lack of potty training skills. Give me a week with a two year old, and it's a done deal, but a puppy? I'm apparently the worst puppy potty trainer in the world. It's worth it, though, because sometimes all I have to do is look at them frolicking in the floor, and I start fat laughing. They are excellent mood lifters, and were much better than anti depressants or chocolate. Reading over my last post, I think that I was in a very egocentric grieving stage. I am now more balanced and empathetic. I never knew what it felt like when people lost an unborn child. I mean, I've had friends go through things like this, and I could lend my shoulder... but now I can cry with them.  It's still hard when I hear news of my friends so excited about their pregnancy and sharing all the news about it when they are as far along as I was when we lost our baby. It's also frustrating to hear people that are pregnant complain about aches and pains and morning sickness when I miss everything about being pregnant. I miss wanting to puke every time I moved. I miss being so exhausted that I couldn't keep my eyes open, I miss my husband calling me every morning as he got off work to ask what I was craving so that he could bring me something to eat.

Although, there are new things for me to have anxiety about... like that the world is ending in December, and when it comes, I'll have to die knowing I never got to live in a finished house. haha. but I'm feeling much better. I'm hoping that maybe there will be less things hitting the fan in the upcoming year, and maybe I can just enjoy the breeze for once. This time off has been a godsend in light of all that's happened the past few months, and I am thankful for unemployment, friends who made an effort to support me and communicate with me, and to know that I'm slowly on my way to becoming a better person.... with hopefully less mood swings. :D

A Tribute to Ted L. Nancy: Food Network Email June 10 2011

First, I just want to say how much I love Food Network. I have many favorite shows, and I LOVE Chopped, Restaraunt Impossible, and Five Ingredient Fix. Right now I am watching Chic & Easy, and I have to say that I am disgusted that she got her meat out, touched it, touched her blender, her towel, her plastic wrap, and her knife without washing her hands. It's just gross. It really takes away the enjoyment of the show when I am thinking about the meat slime that is all over her hands. It seems to me as I watch food network, that health and safety practices in the kitchen are of highest importance, and I am surprised that this was not caught in editing. As someone who loves your network, I just thought you would like to know that the integrity of the food, recipe, and the delightful hostess are compromised when all the audience can think about is meat slime all over the kitchen. Thank you for your time, and please continue your excellent programming.

Sincerely, S. Salmon

One fish, two fish, red fish.... blue fish

So, it's 1:30 in the morning, and I find myself here. I haven't written in so long, but right now, this seems to be the only thing that makes sense for some strange reason. Maybe I just need to say something without saying anything... and have no one say anything in return, but still know how I feel. or maybe the clicking of the keys is just comforting... feeling like I'm accomplishing SOMETHING. Even though it's not a novel or some other piece of greatness... It will just feel cleansing to get it out.

I remember when my husband sat me down and told me he was ready to be a dad. I had inner feelings of panic because there was just so much uncertainty. I had to travel with work, I am messy, we have pets with lots of hair, I hate doing dishes, I have weird ovaries that don't always work, I am 31... my mom died at 48... what if I don't have a lot of time left. I just really didn't know if it would happen or if I could do it. All these thoughts spin through my heart and my head. I'm sure that is normal. I'm sure everyone freaks out at the thought of becoming a parent... so whatever. I don't really care to hear about everyone else right now.

When I saw that tiny heartbeat on the screen during my first sonogram, I didn't care about those thing as much anymore. The thought of growing a baby inside of me that might be sweet and shy with red-brown hair like my husband (Or loud and obnoxious like me ;) ) was the most important thing. That my husband would finally get to become a father... and this girl that never thought she would even be able to conceive was going to be a mom.... it was peaceful. Well, peaceful in a "your life is never ever EVER going to be the same! what the heck are you going to do?" kind of way. And then it was just kind of.... ripped away in a matter of seconds. This tiny thing that didn't even know me, but had to trust me was gone. And I know people go through this every day... but like I said, I don't really care about other people right now. I care that I am sitting at my computer at 2:14 unable to drink anything (and I am so stinking thirsty) because I have to have my baby removed tomorrow.

My hubs is asleep in the next room. He's tired and emotionally exhausted... and I feel bad for him because he isn't dealing with just the loss of his first child and the hopes and dreams that came along with it, but he has to worry about me and what I have to go through tomorrow...and what I am going through now. He was so worried about me the day we found out that he wouldn't let me drive home from the doctor. I was so angry because I just wanted to drive so I didn't have to think about anything else... but he drove because he was afraid I would be too upset... but he ran a red light on the way home because HE was so upset himself... bless his heart. I love him so much.

I am so scared to go through this procedure... and my heart is so broken for this tiny, tiny little thing that I never even got to meet... that never even heard my voice. But it was so loved by it's mommy and daddy... And maybe there are some people out there that don't believe a baby is a baby till it pops out of a vagina, and that is fine. Believe what you want. Because I'm here to tell you that regardless of what you believe, that little thing in the womb is a heartbreaker. I only knew about it for about a month, but Mark and I loved it for a lifetime. Little Jelly Bean will be missed.

A tribute to Ted L. Nancy: McDonald's

to whom it may concern

due to the new marketing for Chicken McNugget Sauces, I am worried that you are discontinuing HOT MUSTARD sauce. As a loyal McDonald's customer, I would like to strongly advise against the removal of hot mustard from your menu. There is already enough controversy at several local McDonald's when ordering sauces. I have been told that even if I pay for the sauces that I want, I can't have extra. This means, of course, that I don't have extra hot mustard to carry me through this crisis. I sincerly hope that you change your mind and leave hot mustard on the menu because without it, I can find no reason to eat chicken McNuggets. Sincerly, S. Salmon

A Superhuman is someone who refuses to be average.

It's up and down right now with all that is going on in our lives. I feel as if I am floundering around with no direction.Maybe when I chose the name of my mini enterprise, it was a foreshadowing of emotions to come. For all those out of the loop, I have recently joined the ranks of the unemployed. The worst part of my life right now is that Mark is watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and while I am normally all about some man humor (having a hormone imbalence) this is pretty much the worst movie ever. It's not funny. at. all. so. far. and i find it utterly distracting and definitely no Mall Rats.

This is the first time in my life that I am actually searching for a job... or something that I want to do for the rest of my life. I have always had great luck and no shortage when it came to jobs before, and this has really made me have to stop and think about what it is I want to do. I will admit the time off has been refreshing, but there is always a quick change in the wind that leads from refreshing to freaked out. It's times like these that make me miss thinking that fairies lived in tiny flowers and my biggest fear was that there was someone under my bed at night writing down everytime I took a breath. Now it's turning off my cable... which is scarier than it sounds. Not as scary as how stupid this movie is, but pretty scary. I know that trimming the fat down to necessities is a lot more than some, and I know that there are worse situations in the world. I know there are people hurting and scared more so than I will ever be. It's just that I always thought that I'd be doing something that helped me make a difference in those people's lives. I know that I still can help people, but it's much easier with financial backing and the fact that it's my job. I'll be honest... It's really hard for me to collect my thoughts and write about something meaningful with this trash droning on and on in the background, so i'll end here.

I'm just trying to push past average, find my superpowers, and move on.