So, it's 1:30 in the morning, and I find myself here. I haven't written in so long, but right now, this seems to be the only thing that makes sense for some strange reason. Maybe I just need to say something without saying anything... and have no one say anything in return, but still know how I feel. or maybe the clicking of the keys is just comforting... feeling like I'm accomplishing SOMETHING. Even though it's not a novel or some other piece of greatness... It will just feel cleansing to get it out.
I remember when my husband sat me down and told me he was ready to be a dad. I had inner feelings of panic because there was just so much uncertainty. I had to travel with work, I am messy, we have pets with lots of hair, I hate doing dishes, I have weird ovaries that don't always work, I am 31... my mom died at 48... what if I don't have a lot of time left. I just really didn't know if it would happen or if I could do it. All these thoughts spin through my heart and my head. I'm sure that is normal. I'm sure everyone freaks out at the thought of becoming a parent... so whatever. I don't really care to hear about everyone else right now.
When I saw that tiny heartbeat on the screen during my first sonogram, I didn't care about those thing as much anymore. The thought of growing a baby inside of me that might be sweet and shy with red-brown hair like my husband (Or loud and obnoxious like me ;) ) was the most important thing. That my husband would finally get to become a father... and this girl that never thought she would even be able to conceive was going to be a mom.... it was peaceful. Well, peaceful in a "your life is never ever EVER going to be the same! what the heck are you going to do?" kind of way. And then it was just kind of.... ripped away in a matter of seconds. This tiny thing that didn't even know me, but had to trust me was gone. And I know people go through this every day... but like I said, I don't really care about other people right now. I care that I am sitting at my computer at 2:14 unable to drink anything (and I am so stinking thirsty) because I have to have my baby removed tomorrow.
My hubs is asleep in the next room. He's tired and emotionally exhausted... and I feel bad for him because he isn't dealing with just the loss of his first child and the hopes and dreams that came along with it, but he has to worry about me and what I have to go through tomorrow...and what I am going through now. He was so worried about me the day we found out that he wouldn't let me drive home from the doctor. I was so angry because I just wanted to drive so I didn't have to think about anything else... but he drove because he was afraid I would be too upset... but he ran a red light on the way home because HE was so upset himself... bless his heart. I love him so much.
I am so scared to go through this procedure... and my heart is so broken for this tiny, tiny little thing that I never even got to meet... that never even heard my voice. But it was so loved by it's mommy and daddy... And maybe there are some people out there that don't believe a baby is a baby till it pops out of a vagina, and that is fine. Believe what you want. Because I'm here to tell you that regardless of what you believe, that little thing in the womb is a heartbreaker. I only knew about it for about a month, but Mark and I loved it for a lifetime. Little Jelly Bean will be missed.
